In honor of our beloved Seumas, I will write today’s post about an experience with Autism.
Autism has touched our family in a very beautiful way. It has allowed us to expand our thinking and to recognize that we are all unique in our very special ways and that there is a reason for this. It is through our unique spirit that we are able to be a divine gift on this earth.
I heard a quote on television the other night that catapulted me off the couch to find something to write on as quick as possible… it has stuck with me ever since:
“We all have different parts to play, We must all be allowed to play them”! How fascinating is that?! Mind Blowing right?
Well, this is how I have described our beautiful son’s diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 2, no Cognitive Delay. As you can imagine, we were very scared as we progressed through the endless interviews, surveys, evaluations… however, we knew deep inside what the outcome would be. I had actually known for quite some time but tried as hard as I might I could not get the nagging feeling to leave me alone. My husband was not convinced and therefore was not too on-board with feelings. One we received the diagnosis he did the most beautiful thing in telling our Intervention Service providers that “it was all her… if it weren’t for her”, [he (Seumas) would not be here, receiving the support and advocacy he deserved.]
Seumas was 2 years and 9 months old when we received the diagnosis on December 19, 2015. We had no idea what the future held for our little man, our family and were immediately send into coping mode. My preferred method of coping is Research!!! I;m great at it and I absolutely love burying myself inside of it! I began scouring for stories and prognosis’, for I am in desperate need of anticipated behaviors, expected timelines and future needs… I need to know our divine gift was going to be okay… This was essential as at the time at was at my second lowest point ever in my battle with depression, chronic illness and severe anxiety. I was incredibly suicidal and I needed to know that he would be okay if I were no longer here…
One evening after dinner, everyone was hanging out together in the living room. Things started to get crazy silly and the kids were wrestling, being even more roudy and rambunctious than usual… they were having so much fun and it was so beautiful to watch them. What slowly came through me while appreciating this scene was that there was no way, absolutely no way that Tim could handle this without me. How was this man going to support his family, monetarily as well as nurturing. How was he to work, raise 4 children ranging in ages of 16 to 2, keep house, make dinners, do the laundry! How COULD I expect him to even try to take on a task this important?
I had come to realize over my 3 years of recovery to this point that I had led a very selfish life. I had never known or realized, as I was a very giving person; it was through my diseases and addictions that It resonated so deeply that I was actually a very self-centered person and in this moment, I saw that old demon rising… the greatest act of selfishness was staring me in the face. In that moment I was left with no choice to make, Suicide had to come off the table. It could no longer be an option that had continued to burn inside of me.
Our story continues, and has remained the incredible adventure we never knew we needed!
Through our sweet angel receiving the diagnosis, through each of us having a part to play, and our awareness to let him play his part… I now have a blessed Reflection of Serendipity to add to my divine experiences.