Addictive… with a capitol A

For you see, this is my Modus Operandi for my lifetime. I am an addict, I have embraced wrongfully my addictive personality… this is not limited to alcohol, drugs or the common destructives we think of, but in every aspect of my life. I Must Have all of it, to an unlimited extent, uninterrupted; Β and Nothing, I mean Nothing can come between me and my current vice. When I overcame me addictions through recovery to external vices such as alcohol it would only be replaced with another, what I now recognize as, equally destructive vices.

I became addicted to self-isolation, I became addicted to gaining as much knowledge as the sponge of my brain could absorb, I turned to Social Media and Technology with the same insatiable appetite that I knew oh too well, however, because these were not viewed by the outside world as destructive I did not recognize that I was still feeding the beast within, without solace. My need grew stronger… I could not detach myself without severe withdrawl. Anxiousness, curiosity, a need to know where the next fix was going to come from, when was I going to find the next amazing A-ha moment or method and if i didn’t do it now, I may miss it completely… I was deep into a new addiction without recognizing the reoccurring patterns. I needed the connection to this “knowledge” more than I needed to shower, eat, brush my teeth; play with my children, prepare meals, clean our home…

Then, I broke the cycle by allowing myself to emerge into the world again, via Facebook! … posting so much and regurgitating everything that resonated from deep within… however, upon this emergence a new addiction, a need to feed a worse evil appeared to rear its wicked head and nurtured an ever underlying beast … Acceptance! Now, not only was I addicted to gathering and sharing knowledge and memes; I found an unsettling anxious need for acceptance through emoticons, likes, comments… for you see this meant I was finally worth something. Most devastating was the lack of these external affirmations that Β I received; I craved this more than connection to my family, more than nourishment. I of course did not recognize that by isolating myself from the world for several years meant that there were very few people left in my world to connect with and of course, that I was looking in the wrong place.

My husband, my beautiful amazing children, my siblings and parents had all been here the entire time, had all been encouraging me to recovery once again and had all been starving for the same attention, love, time, affection and nourishment that I was so willing to pour out into an electronic feed, a world that did not know or care if I was alive or not… yet, I was, even if barely, existing. I was a loved soul by the people who should have mattered the most… but I was too blinded by my addictions to realize this.

 

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