My life has been a very serendipitous journey and in my younger years I recognized these events… then something happened and I closed myself off to all the beauty my life held and instead focused on the darkness that now consumed every molecule of my being. It was not until my later years, after hitting my rock bottom and barely surviving as a human, let alone trying to be a mother and a wife, that I began to open myself to these events, once looked upon in shame and self-hatred, that I now reflect upon with immense awe. I’m amused that although this is certainly not how I would have liked to arrive, here as I am today, that the life behind me is full of so many beautiful moments that I now reflect upon with love, with forgiveness and self-compassion, and I embrace them for the experience they were and the lessons I was taught through them. This journey has led me to where I am today… to this, a place of Serendipitous beauty!
Much of my childhood was looked at by outsiders as idealistic… damn, I reflected on it as such as well. It was not until my early 40s, after almost destroying everything in and of me that I began to open to the realities of how long and deep that I had felt “less than”. It took me opening up and sharing in a women’s support group, Yup… I had been driven so far that I was actually in a mandated support group, sharing and exploring the depths of the wrath of a life I had created. Me, the strong one, the one who looked out for everyone else, the one who… by helping and nurturing others and ignoring myself and needs was in a situation that I could never have imagined; that I would have to endure! This is when I discovered “Co-dependency” (We will explore this topic often in my blog posts)!
By this time in my life, the walls had crumbled, the ground around me had been shaken so hard that it was nothing but a deep, dark Abyss and One that I knew I did not want to wait around another season to allow it to harden and offer strong support once again. By this point, I had decided that the only way to escape the complete disaster I had become, and to release and allow the people in my life to recover and find peace again was to no longer be a being in this world… I had no idea how to be a human being. Such as a Tornado, all I did was sabotage and destroy everything in my path. I was a wild storm that nobody could control and that pulled everything within a 50 mile radius into its Eye, spewing remnants far from it roots, never to be seen again… the remnants were theirs to figure out… I had far greater destruction to spew!
I had lived for 28 years believing that I was worthless, nothing but a defect. I prayed daily that anything would take the last breath from me so that the pain could stop. You see, I was not even strong enough to do THIS for myself… I was a failure in every aspect and couldn’t even accomplish the one goal that would surely be the cure… However, no matter how hard I wished, no matter how much destruction I nurtured, Regardless of the recklessness in which I had lived my life… I remained… in the darkness that was ever consuming…
These words in themselves are incredibly ironic as I was able to achieve ANYTHING I wanted! I had conquered any conquest that I had set my sites on… like the chameleon… I morphed; I became whatever, wherever. I was well liked (although I did not believe this), I was the life of the party (which usually included a great amount of alcohol), I offered my desperate heart to anyone who would take it… I gave it 110%, 200% of the time! And yet, I was devastated and destroyed each time it was not accepted fully, that it was returned to me worn, beaten and exhausted.
I had become a master manipulator, of myself just as well as of others! I could negotiate with myself … and I would WIN!!! I was able to justify every “wrong” of my life because you see… I was the Victim… I had suffered greatly for so many years! Why had I been put here and why the Hell was I made to remain in the torture of everyday life… Someone had played a nasty game with me and I was beyond willing to concede and give away the victory to ANYONE! I had thrown the white flag so many times but somehow I remained in the game, within a maze of darkness with no exit…
This is my past, Today is when I begin rising from the ashes of the war within myself and I invite you to follow along as I move forward into the light, excited to journey into the every moment that is Today and accept the gifts that have been bestowed upon me…and to honor My Truth.